How am I - The Emotional/Spiritual Stuff

***Edited to add: This post was written around November 17th. With Thanksgiving and all I forgot about it and just did the final edit tonight.

Thank you for the warm emails asking how I'm doing. The short answer is "good."

I've done a lot of processing in the last week or so. Most of my processing has been through journaling my prayers. This is a habit I developed several years ago. It REALLY helps me focus when praying or at the very least pick up where I left off when I get distracted.

I've also talked a lot with Joel. I have to brag on my husband. When I wanted to talk, he has listened. And he has said the right things at the right time. And he understood that I wasn't up to housework, laundry or cooking all week. Especially the cooking (he's even posted a blog about all the restaurants he ate at this week). For a man, those things are huge! The talking. Not so much the eating out. = )

Honestly, our marriage has worked really well through this. I think that comes with being married for 10 years and having already worked out our "stuff" as well as going through several crisis/grief situations together.

In all of my processing I've learned a lot about grief this week. At the beginning of the week I thought I would work through my grief and then go back to normal life. Sort of like a detour around road construction. You get off the your desired road, take a couple of side roads, and then get back on the normal road.

It seemed reasonable that we would get back to normal life because the miscarriage hasn't changed anything about our regular life. No hospital visits. No major physical pain. No dramatic memories. Just a weekend laying in bed.

The more I've prayed and processed the more I've realized that this wasn't a detour. This was bumping through the construction and coming out changed on the other end. Even though my every day life and family may not be changed by this loss, I am changed. I am different.

I have now joined the ranks of women who have miscarried a baby. That means I have a baby waiting for me in heaven. Talk about changing your outlook on life on earth! It makes me even more eager for heaven!

I am also more sensitive and empathetic to the losses other women have gone through. Several of you have shared your stories with me. I am struck by how intense this kind of grief is for all of us. How we all have changed through the healing of such a deep wound.

I also noticed that the struggle with this wound is not as deep for me as it has been for most of you. Part of me actually felt guilty about this. Like maybe I was letting my baby down by not grieving more deeply. I know this isn't rational. And I've worked through it, but you know how irrational emotions are.

As I've processed everything I've realized why my grief hasn't been overwhelming. Mainly because this is my fourth baby and because my desire for more children (or a girl/boy) is not as forceful as it once was. Because I already have three children I haven't had to wrestle with the fear of never birthing children. Or fight the jealousy over the babies of friends and families. And because I've been down the pregnancy road, I had already learned that this kind of miscarriage isn't my fault and there was nothing I could do to stop it. And because I already have 2 sons and a daughter I haven't had to wrestle with God over my dream for one or the other.

All of that to say, I really am doing well. God is teaching me much about myself, grief, and how people react to grief in others. I hope this is a catalyst for me to grow more Fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5). Cause let me just say, this pruning hurt!