Sunday, November 4, 2007

Sometimes it's not easy being green.

Woman's intuition. A Premonition. A Gut Feeling. Or the Holy Spirit. Regardless of what you call it I'm sure we've all had experiences where we just "knew" something before it happened. I try to listen to that still small voice when it speaks (I think it's usually the Holy Spirit). But sometimes I talk myself into believing it's my imagination. Or in this case, I just hope it's my imagination.

Wednesday night I heard the still small voice. I couldn't get to sleep (I'm usually asleep before my head hits the pillow) and as I lay there I found myself praying about the new baby. I knew something wasn't right. I can't explain it. I just knew.

Thursday & Friday afternoons I experienced some very minor spotting. In three pregnancies I have never spotted during the first and second trimesters. Never. I hoped there was a first time for everything and this would be nothing.

God had a different plan for us than the one I hoped for. Saturday morning began with cramping and bleeding and continued throughout the day. By Saturday night I had no doubts that this pregnancy was ending. I think the worst of the physical symptoms of the miscarriage are over now.

We are naturally disappointed and grieving the loss of this baby. But we believe God has a plan, is good, and loves us with immeasurable love even when our circumstances are incomprehensible.

It's kind of ironic that I've had a post stewing in my head for the last few weeks regarding infertility and miscarriages. I have watched one dear family member walk through years of trying to conceive, several failed rounds of artificial insemination, one failed round of in vitro fertilization. A close friend experienced an ectopic pregnancy. Two other friends each experienced an unexplained miscarriage, and another dear one experienced 2 miscarriages and a molar pregnancy.

Through those same five years I have conceived, carried and birthed three babies without a hitch. God has taught me through the experiences of others and myself that HE alone controls life. As Job says, "The Lord giveth. The Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

I have to say this whole experience has been very surreal. I was just adjusting to the idea of being pregnant again and now it's over. Now I'm adjusting to the idea that I have had a miscarriage.

We don't know if God plans for us to have more children, by birth or adoption. We are content with the three He has given us but we will also gladly take any more He wants to send our way. Regardless of what the future holds we stand firm in our belief, faith, and trust in the Lord our God.

"Blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank, with roots that reach deep into the water. Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8. NLT.

8 comments:

Amy said...

We are praying for you...so sorry to hear of your loss.

Alicia said...

So beautifully written. I am genuinely sad to hear this news. I love you.

Linda said...

We are all sad with you, and praying for you as you grieve.

Much love, Linda

stephanie@{Olive Tree} said...

Stephanie, I'm so sorry. I'll be praying for you!

Jenn said...

Stephen & I are so sorry.
We love you and are thinking of you.

mer said...

Stephanie,

My heart is heavy for you right now. I'm so sorry...I will be praying for you guys.

Tad and Monica said...

Stephanie--so sorry to hear this. Praying for you.
Monica

Julie said...

Stephanie,
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I'll be praying for your family.
With Love in Christ,
Julie

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